A Blog for Seekers

Archive for November, 2012

Facing Emptiness

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It’s been a year since I left South Florida.

Looking back; I realize how scared I was to go.  My soul had yearned for change, but my body was too afraid to make the leap.

Aside from choosing music as my creative expression; moving to Boulder has been one of the greatest decisions I have made.  Oddly enough there is something profoundly similar between these two decisions.

My love for music has grown more than I imagined since moving here. The texture of the mountains, the layers of the trees, the fields of flowers stretching for miles under crystal blue skies filled with dense clouds all call out to my inner child for a friendly game of hopscotch.

There is something magical about this place for me. Most of my friends and family didn’t quite understand how I could just up and leave, heading to a place where I knew no one. I can’t quite explain it, but I had heard the call for three years and did nothing.   It’s amazing when you are finally able to look back and recognize your truth.  Whether it’s a relationship that doesn’t serve you, a job that doesn’t fulfill you or leaving a place that you call home there comes a time when you must heed the call.

When I think of the fear that held me back; I’m grateful that I eventually took the leap and answered the call.  It’s so easy to stay in your comfort zone.  I remember the hundreds of ways that I allowed my fear to hold me back.  What about my friends, my job, my doctors and my network … the list went on and on, but then the time came when those fears no longer mattered.  I could no longer allow fear to make my decisions. I knew it was time to leave.

It was hard, tough and very emotional, but the scariest part of the journey wasn’t leaving; it was arriving!

How would I handle the loneliness? What would my first winter be like? Would I be able to drive in the snow? What clothes would I wear? How would I meet people and make new friends?   There were many nights when I would lay in my empty apartment and feel the loneliness rise in my body. Becoming aware of how loneliness felt allowed me to connect with the new feelings it created.  Once I understood the feelings I was then able to ask questions, and hold the loneliness close like a little child.  

Each of us experiences loneliness and we are quick to fill that loneliness with anything that keeps those feelings at bay.   Now, I had nothing to cling to. My support system was miles away, my house was empty, and my music was no longer enough.  Something larger was pulling me.

Many nights I would lie on the floor of my empty apartment and cry myself to sleep. Loneliness and I became very good friends.  I had never allowed myself to know that feeling.  I had always buried it in distractions.  I was always doing, learning, or trying to be something instead of listening to what my soul needed.  My greatest ally in all of this was meditation and the Buddhist Teachings. The meditation taught me how to stop, feel, watch and observe.  The teachings gave me the tools to step out of it.

These were clearly some of the darkest days of my life, but I knew I had to go thru it, and I knew I had to be alone. Looking back I now see why I had to leave Florida, I had to finally stop, settle down and confront the emptiness I had been ignoring for so long.

As spring approached I could feel my heaviness began to shift. I started to see things more clearly. I had figured my way around Boulder and the dark nights where not so dark anymore.  A slight change in the air, the chill became more fragrant, small bursts of color where beginning to appear. It’s amazing what the change of seasons do for your soul. I didn’t realize how living in one climate all year long truly affected my being. No wonder I felt so stuck. There was never a reminder of change. Sure you can put Christmas lights on Palm Trees, but until I lived in a place where the Pine Trees grow and snow was on the ground, I didn’t realize how much I needed the change.

Spring was gorgeous, the purples, pinks and blue sky that stretched for miles. The weather was perfect for long hikes, trail running and mountain biking. It’s invigorating, inspiring, breathtaking and once you have completed a trail you feel like you can achieve anything. I quickly became acquainted with my feelings again. The more I connected with nature; the clearer the vision became.  The little lonely girl from winter didn’t need to suppress her feelings any longer.  I had created a new relationship with my inner self.  I check in daily to make sure my needs are being met, and if they are not, I now have the tools necessary to make the changes that are needed.

Summer came and went and my tour schedule kept me away from home. I took great comfort in knowing that even though I’m away, I know I get to return home to Colorado which made the touring that much more beautiful.

Now; one year later, Fall is here. The leaves are now a blend of orange, yellow, maroon and green. It’s the kind of backdrop that postcards are made of. Once again, I’m allowed the freedom of change. As the leaves change, so do I.   The leaves that no longer serve me fall away. Those that remain may simply need a subtle change of color. The air is crisp, clean and brisk. The fireplace is ready and the Hot Cocoa is on the stove. This is what Christmas and the Holidays feel like, this is what I yearned for as a child. I now have it and I’m beyond grateful.

We all have roots. We all have people, places and things that we feel we can’t live without. Sometimes we have to walk away from those things to find what we really need.  The best lessons and gifts are often presented to us when we step into the unknown, and allow ourselves to trust that our intuition will guide us to the exact place we are meant to be.

What call have you heard and ignored? What does it tell you to do? Where does it tell you to go? What is stopping you?

 

XxOM

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